BECOME A GREAT LISTENER AND THE BEST PARTNER YOU CAN BE!!!

Why is it important to become a great listener, most especially in your love relationships? Because when the other person knows that you are truly listening to her/him, it makes them feel valued, safe, understood and validated. It makes them more likely to trust you and to confide in you. Developing your listening skills is a powerful tool when it comes to ensuring long lasting and satisfying relationships.

In fact, being distracted, looking at your phone, thinking about something else or mentally lining up your response without acknowledging your partners’ words/feelings could result in disastrous outcomes. Your inability to value what they have to say may make them feel ignored, diminished and inconsequential. This in turn makes them less likely to share their thoughts and feelings with you.

Being a good listener requires you to develop the habit of focusing on the person in front of you by turning off any possible source of distractions (phone, blackberries, emails, TVs or racing thoughts). In other words, you have to be mentally and emotionally available to receive what the other person wants to discuss with you. If you are constantly on alert, either because you are defensive, looking for outside information or awaiting messages, it will nearly be impossible for you to truly hear what your partner is telling you.

THE ADVANTAGES – WHAT COULD BE IN STORE FOR YOU?

Being a good listener has actually a lot of interpersonal benefits. It will most likely assist you in:

1. Improving your personal and professional relationships (people tend to like those who listen to them);

2. Broadening your own perspective by learning about different points of views;

3. Avoiding conflicts and misunderstandings (you gain more clarity when you listen well);

4. Retaining more knowledge that could be useful for the improvement of your life and career;

5. Making better decisions, since you have more data at your disposal and can sort through it more efficiently;

6. Increasing your confidence. By having access to more information, you tend to have a better understanding about certain subjects and can therefore be perceived as an expert;

7. Better solve your problems and those of others.

As a general rule, it is always a good idea to take a little bit of time to process information before you decide to react. Being a good listener is not an easy task in our over stimulated and stressed out world, but if you practice it on a regular basis, it will sets you apart from the crowd and make others gravitate towards you. In order to acquire this skill, however, you will need to develop a certain amount of social habits.

If you always feel the irresistible need to dominate a conversation, either because you are uncomfortable with silences/emotional topics, you think that you have a lot to say or get very excited about some subjects, you will have to pause and remember how good it feels when you are also being acknowledged. Most of us want the people we care about to feel heard and happy to be with us, but we also want others to value our inputs. What we often forget, however, is that thoughtful insights may have greater impacts than an overload of information. Beyond providing support to others and gaining their appreciation, the ability to listen properly can also give you more credibility. In many cases, it can help you enrich your vision of the world and therefore formulate more relevant comments for your interlocutors. Becoming a great listener is not only a skill, it is an Art that you should master if you want to have a more fulfilling life in every aspects. The question is not whether you should apply the principles related to it or not, but rather how you could do it?

When interacting with others, you should always try to: L-I-S-T-E-N

L - LOOK INTERESTED

1. Watch for non-verbal communication and tone of voice. Hearing someone’s words is just a small part of being a good listener. We communicate far more through our expressions, body language and tone of voice.

• When you are listening to someone, also watch them carefully. Are their arms crossed defensively or are they sitting in an open, confident manner? Are they saying: “everything’s fine” with their words, but looking tensed or anxious? Take the time to receive what they are telling you with their body rather than just with their words.

• Listen for how they present what they have to say too. Do they sound tired, depressed, enthusiastic, confused? Are they mumbling, talking too loudly or stating everything as though it were a question? Their tone of voice can give you some clues about their state of mind and how they feel in your presence or about certain topics. To stimulate a good conversation, it is important that you pay attention to those signs and that your own tone of voice reflects calmness or openness towards what they wish to express. If you learn to read what other people are saying beyond their words, it will help you be more compassionate or understanding towards them. More importantly, you will be less likely to misinterpret their message or to trigger conflicts.

• Keep in mind that you are not just listening to someone with your ears, but also with your heart and your body. Show your interest and connect with the other person by adopting the right expressions or body language. Be sure to establish appropriate eye contact, to lean forward and to nod in agreement. While offering them a relaxed attention, show that you are engaged/listening by smiling and giving an occasional hand squeeze or warm touch on the shoulder. These subtle means of communications express empathy and speak volumes about your level of concern.

• To demonstrate that you are actively listening to them, you can as well mirror the person that you are listening to. Without appearing to mimic them, try to reflect back what they do or say by using similar tones of voice or speech patterns. Mirroring their gestures and body language will help you to build a connection with them and create the feeling that you share similar attitudes or ideas.

In any cases, pay attention to the non-verbal cues that you are receiving or sending. Body language counts for a lot when it comes to communication and it could make a great difference in the outcome that you are seeking.

2. Empathize, sympathize and show interest. In order to facilitate a good communication and relationship, it is always a good idea to show concern for your interlocutor by offering words of recognition and kindness. Even if you apply all the best skills of a good listener, if you do not intent on being attentive to your partner’s needs, it will not be helpful. In other words, you should also adopt a mindset that will allow true exchanges.

• In love relationships, the couples who become stuck are often the ones who refuse to fully engage in each other’s perspective. If you are holding fast to your position and are unwilling to consider different avenues, you will never be able to share true intimacy with the other person. When a couple is using appropriate listening skills, they are able to empathize with each others’ situations and to come to a better understanding about each other’s expectations.

• Empathy can also be shown through the acknowledgement of each other’s contributions. For instance, instead of complaining about what was not done, you should take into consideration the circumstances surrounding the event, what the other person went through and what she/he managed to do in spite of it.

An empathic conversation could look like this:

Husband: “I understand why you don’t like it when the house is a mess and why we need to address this situation.”

Wife: “Yes it was pretty messy this morning, but I appreciate that you cleaned up for 4 hours Sunday. I also know that you are usually feeling pretty tired at the end of the day. I was actually thinking that we could perhaps both pitch in on a daily basis, just so that our standard messiness does not accumulate and fall on your shoulders at the end of the week?”

Husband: “I would love that! It would be more motivating to have some help and nicer to have a clean house. How about we have a warm bath together after we pick up every night?”

In some instances, without good listening skills and empathy, what could potentially become lovely moments might be undermined... Therefore, showing interest and validating your interlocutor’s feelings could go a long way towards facilitating an happy relationship.

I - BE INVOLVED

1. Ask relevant questions and agree with them. Use powerful questions to show interest and help your interlocutor to uncover answers/solutions for themselves.

• Make sure that you really understand what they are saying before you react. If you don’t, ask relevant questions to clarify their points... Ask open-ended questions that will require more than a “yes” or “no” response. Open-ended questions will invite deeper insight and discourse between the two of you. The simple act of asking a probing question as a follow-up to a comment shows the other person that you are interested/involved in the discussion.

• Ensure, however, that your questioning doesn’t become an interrogation session. You want to listen more than you question, but when you do ask a question, it should be in a well-timed (wait for pauses) and non-threatening manner. Something as simple as: “Can you tell me more about that?” is enough to show that you are really listening.

• Even if you feel tempted to disagree, recognize the validity of their points before you comment. Say something like: “What you are saying about this is very interesting...” or “I had not thought about this like that before, I am glad that you are sharing this with me.”

• Instead of offering judgements, ask for their opinions... This will make them more receptive towards you and particularly interested in seeking your inputs more often in the future.

S - STAY FOCUSED

1. Avoid distractions. If you are going to chat with someone, anticipate possible distractions and remove them. Eliminate anything that may restrict your ability to focus solely on your partner.

• If you are the one that initiates the conversation, make sure that you pick the right time to talk. While there is no perfect time to do so, sometimes, timing can be everything when it comes to your success or failure. Ideally, you do not want to bring up important issues right after your partner gets home from work, is stressed out, exhausted or busy doing something else.

• Turn off any device that could interrupt your conversation or keep you from being concentrated on what is being said.

• If someone approaches you while you are in the middle of a task, either ask them to wait until you are done or stop what you are doing to listen. Multi-tasking will never allow you to truly pay attention to your interlocutor’s needs.

• If you are speaking one-on-one with someone in a noisy social setting, try to find a quieter area to continue your conversation. You will have a difficult time interacting properly with each other if you have to yell to be heard, as well as get pulled away or interrupted by other people.

• Unless you want to give them the impression that you are bored, definitely do not look over the other person’s shoulder while they are talking to see what/who else is in the room.

T - TEST YOUR UNDERSTANDING

1. Paraphrase. Reformulating or summarizing what your interlocutor said or felt ensures that you truly understood what they intended to transmit.

• You might have thought that the other person was angry with you, when they were in fact excited or just frustrated with the situation. Doing a “perception check up” by rephrasing their message may help you to clarify their thoughts and avoid unnecessary conflicts. To make this technique more efficient, however, you should always try to add your own thoughts to the conversation. Do not just repeat their words; agree, show that you grasped their point of view and that you gave it some consideration by also offering a different perspective.

• Reformulating the concepts or the feelings that were shared with you demonstrates too that you really heard what was said. It is particularly important to use this process when you are in an intimate relationship and have some disagreements. For example, if your partner tells you: “I feel really hurt when you don’t help me with so and so...”, you might get a more positive response from them if you acknowledge their feeling with a statement like: “If I heard you correctly, you don’t feel important when I do not do so and so?” Reflecting their words back shows that you care about what was communicated and that you desire to comprehend their standpoint so that the situation can improve.

E - EVALUATE THE MESSAGE IN A NON-JUDGMENTAL MANNER

1. Be an Open and Effective Communicator. Avoid bringing up or dealing with many issues at once. Instead evaluate which problem is the most important one and refocus the conversation towards it with the idea of finding solutions together.

• Do not hold grudges or start to list all the wrongs that the other person might have done in the past to discredit their inputs. Sometimes, their reactions might have had nothing to do with you or the present situation and doing so will only make them close up. Instead, keep in mind that they have their own emotional issues to deal with and be open to receive their message with understanding.

• Focus solely on one main topic; it will make it easier for your interlocutor to receive your comments positively. This way, your partner won’t become overwhelmed with your feedback and will be able to figure out more effectively how to address the matter at hand. Moreover, if you box them in a corner with an overload of accusations and critics, chances are that they will not be willing to cooperate.

• In the same way, if you use “I” statements to express how you feel and what you think about a particular situation, you may find your partner more receptive. When a speaker uses the word “you,” it pushes the listener to become defensive and less willing to listen. Instead of saying something like: “You are so disrespectful of me,” consider bringing it back to your own feelings with a sentence like: “I am very uncomfortable with what happened last week”.

• It is also better if you use specific statements like: “When you do X in situation Y, I feel Z,” to express yourself. For example, if you tell your partner: “When we go to my parents’ house and you don’t say hello to them right away, I feel ashamed,” she/he knows exactly how you feel, what the issue is and what they can do to correct it. It is not necessarily perceived as a critic towards them, but rather like an expression of your feelings and needs.

• Avoid “always” and “never” statements. When you’re talking with someone, you shouldn’t use phrases such as “You’re always late” or “You never do this.” Those kind of statements don’t actually recognize the efforts that they might have made in the past and certainly don’t give them the incentive to do it in the future either. Stay positive and open in the way you talk to your interlocutor, so that the communication stream can lead to and stimulate appealing results.

N - NEUTRALIZE YOUR EMOTIONS

1. Do not interrupt or change the subject. If you want to be a good listener, you have to allow the speaker to complete a thought without interrupting them or offering solutions/opinions. Remember that a true conversation is not just about you, but more about the thoughts/feelings that you share with somebody else.

• Do not leave a speaker hanging out there with the topic they started to talk about by abruptly changing the subject or interjecting with comments that were not solicited. Offer a response or an additional thought to their topic before you move on to something you want to talk about. You have probably encountered people who frequently interrupt, take over the conversation, and use the audience as a platform for talking about themselves or sharing their knowledge/expertise. Even if they are doing this unconsciously, it can feel as though they have not heard a word you have said or that they do not care about what you have to say. Therefore, before you interject with your response or make your case, allow for a pause in the conversation that is long enough to make sure it is your turn to talk. Be sure the other person has finished speaking and that your interactions will be welcomed.

• You should also make sure that you listen to the entire conversation, before you change the subject or try to defend your position. This sounds easy enough, but people do not do it often. Most of the time, we are too busy building our own case to really listen. In some instances, we act like debaters and tend to focus on what we disagree with more than on what we could learn. Debaters listen only to prove that they are right and that the other is wrong. When you are in a couple, however, adopting this kind of strategy can only alienate your partner by making them feel unappreciated or frustrated.

• How can you know if you are reacting like a debater or not? The main sign is that you will often start your sentences with a “Yes, but” or “I know, but”. You might even express a “silent but” by dismissing the conversation or changing the subject. Instead of trying to prove your points, seek common grounds of agreements and avoid throwing around accusations or blames. In the same way, do not adopt a defensive attitude or interpret systematically a comment as being a critic towards you. The fact that a person is annoyed with a situation does not mean that she/he expects you to fix it.

• Hold back on your own emotional reactions or interpretations and try to get the essence of what the speaker is saying before you respond. Your interlocutor may actually have an interesting perspective to share, but you might not see it because you are not really listening. Acknowledging that you do not always have the whole picture and getting more information has never hurt anyone. Doing so will definitively make you look wise, considerate and more credible.

2. Practice silence. Sometimes the very best way to listen is to allow a space of silence in the conversation. A verbal response is not always necessary and a state of quietness may invite your interlocutor to share more of what they are thinking or feeling. It can also give you some time to calm your own emotions and to ponder on what you should say or not.

• For those that tend to react promptly, it can feel very uncomfortable to sit in silence with somebody else for more than a few seconds. However, they should push past that discomfort and get in the habit of sitting with it for a while. Sometimes the most powerful connections are made in states of reflection rather than reaction. In our fast paced society, most people only listen so they can reply. True communication, however, demands a deeper level of understanding, which is not always possible when we do not take the time to receive what is being said.

• Therefore, take the time to think before you respond. When it is your turn to speak, let your words be a reflection of your attentive listening. When you are truly engaged in what the other person is saying, then you do not focus so much on what you want to say... Rather that blurting out the first thing that comes to mind, take a moment to deliberate on what you want to offer too. If your opinion is solicited, be sure you think carefully about what you have heard so that you can give a well-considered reply.

As we have seen in this post, becoming a great listener demands a lot of skills and practice. So do not get discouraged if it does not come naturally at first. Just like athletes, it is not enough to have strategies and some talent; you have to practice it until you master it. It is one thing to read what to do about it; it is another to actually do it well! Often, it takes coaching with experienced therapists/experts to really learn how to put it into practice. One thing is certain, however, you will not get good at it if you do not use it at every opportunity. It is very easy to spin off into your own world of distractions, ideas and words. Therefore, you might have to consciously work on becoming more of a listener than a talker. If you learn how to read other people better, you will already be much more skilled at listening. In any cases, you will find that people will tend to gravitate more toward you as well as respect your feedbacks and this skill will give you the edge that you need to have a more fulfilling career/relationships.